Word Play
by ainsleyhayes
Summary: These are the words that occupy your every thought, every move, every moment. 1 of 1.


Title: Word Play  
  
Author: neumy  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Timeline: Season 3  
  
Summary: These are the words that occupy your every thought, every move, every moment.  
  
Author's Note: Here's another emotional outlet fic for ya. I'm really having a lot of those lately. This is a story that really came out of nowhere. I believe that it is born out of my inner emotional turmoil and never ending illness, but one can only know. :P I really hope that you like it. Hugs to Duck for the cheerleading *snicker* and beta read! You are much the best. :P  
  
Thank you for reading, and I hope you like it.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Alias.  
  
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Helpless.  
  
Terrified.  
  
Alone.  
  
These are the feelings that you feel when you wake up in the morning, drinking your coffee in efforts to wake yourself up and find the energy to live a nightmare. During the day, throughout the constant meetings, over lunch, driving home from work. At night, when you get into bed alone and cry yourself to sleep.  
  
These are the feelings that you feel when you look at the world around you and see how it has changed. When you look at the people around you and see how they've grown, grown away from you and towards something else. When you take in the new life around you and realize that you don't have a place anymore.  
  
These are the feelings that you feel.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Helpless.  
  
A word that was never in your vocabulary. A word that no one would ever use to classify you. A word that you never would have used to classify yourself.  
  
Now, it is a word that you hear around you everyday. You hear it when people stare and gossip as you walk past them. You've begun to hear it everywhere, on the street, in the store... it's everywhere, and you don't know how to make it go away.  
  
You hear mostly it in your own head, and this is what scares you more than anything. You're still good at hiding your emotions, but not so good that you can hide from yourself. You can't hide the helplessness from your mind; you can't tuck it away. It's like a whisper in the back of your head, constantly taunting you, trying to ruin you, break you.  
  
Helpless. Vulnerable. Weak. Dependent.  
  
You can see it in the eyes of those closest to you, especially in his eyes. They know that you can't handle this; he knows more than anyone. They all want nothing more than to help you, to lift you up from your misery, but you are helpless. You need them, but can't accept what they want to give you. What they need to give you.  
  
You used to be strong. You used to be a fighter, an icon of vigor and power. You were a legend in your own time, seen as independent and extraordinary.  
  
You are none of these things anymore. You aren't strong. You aren't a fighter. You're still a legend, but your legacy is one of weakness and loss.  
  
Helpless. Vulnerable. Weak. Dependent. You are all of these things, and you know that eventually it will kill you. The people that loved you try to help you, try to stop the weakness from taking over you, and you want them to succeed. You want them to succeed so badly that it physically hurts you to think about. You don't want to be helpless anymore. You need the whisper to stop. But nothing they can do will help you.  
  
There is nothing that anyone can do to take away the whisper.  
  
Helpless. Vulnerable. Weak. Dependent.  
  
Always coming back to that word.  
  
Helpless.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Terrified.  
  
This is a word you can't even begin to define.  
  
This is the word that has taken over your every move, clouded every decision that you make. It's like a vine, slowly creeping up, up, up, so slowly that you don't even know what's happening until it suffocates you, leaving you without breath, without life.  
  
Terrified. Scared. Frightened. Afraid.  
  
A different voice in your mind is a constant reminder of how scared you are now. You were never one to live in fear; you were never one to hide in the shadows, terrified of what might be lurking around the next corner. But now, after everything you've been through, after everything you've lost, you can't help but be afraid. You can't stop yourself from safeguarding your new apartment in ever way imaginable from any potential foes. You can't stop yourself from keeping the shades closed whenever you're home. You can't help but go to bed with the light on, never really falling to sleep, always alert and ready for whatever might be thrown at you next. You can't help but be on your guard everywhere; at the supermarket, in your car, on a mission.  
  
You can't stop yourself from being terrified of trusting anyone anymore.  
  
Terrified. Scared. Frightened. Afraid.  
  
You refuse to open up to anyone, refuse to get close to anyone again. You're scared of making anyone else hurt if you disappear again. You've seen their eyes, and you know what they went through. You know what he went through. You're scared that if you open those bonds they'll be shattered again, leaving both you and the person you hurt destroyed and broken.  
  
Again.  
  
You're sick of looking over your shoulder, being too scared to leave your house. You don't even want to go to work, because you're afraid that if you keep pretending to be someone you aren't, you'll lose all that's left of the real you. There isn't much left, but there are fragments, and you're terrified of losing the small pieces of the woman you used to be.  
  
Terrified. Scared. Frightened. Afraid. You know that it won't ever stop. It's a cycle, cruel and unyielding, and it won't ever let you go until it has sucked all of the life from you.  
  
You'll never stop being terrified.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Alone.  
  
As awful as helplessness and fright are, neither is even comparable to the pain that being alone brings you. Vulnerability and terror don't come close to giving you the anguish that loneliness does.  
  
Alone. Solitary. Forgotten. Abandoned.  
  
You are alone.  
  
You spent most of your life by yourself, starved for love and attention. You never really had a problem with it; it was how you lived, how you learned to survive. It made you the person you were.  
  
And then he came into your life.  
  
He walked into your life, with his compassion and devotion. His never- ending passion, his almost naïve hopefulness that kept you alive. He was your light, your salvation. He was your redemption in a world without faith, without hope.  
  
He loved you when no one else was there. He knew everything, and you were never afraid with him. For once in your life, you weren't afraid. You weren't weak, vulnerable. With him, you were never helpless or terrified.  
  
You had his comfort when you were broken, his guidance when you were lost, his light when you couldn't get out of the darkness.  
  
You had his love. You had him, encompassing you, protecting you, helping you breath. He kept you from weakness. He scared away all of your fears. He was your friend when you were alone.  
  
Alone. Solitary. Forgotten. Abandoned.  
  
Now, you're alone again, and not even he can accompany you out of the despair. And if he can't bring you out of the misery, you know that no one will be able to.  
  
You know that your father and friends are there, and that they would do anything for you, but it doesn't matter. You hate that you've admitted that to yourself, but you know that it doesn't matter. Things are too different now; too much has changed. You were dead, and they were not. Their lives kept going when yours was at a standstill. And now, now that you are a ghost, back from the dead to haunt those you loved, you are truly alone. Alone. Solitary. Forgotten. Abandoned.  
  
There is nothing that anyone can say to change that.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Helpless.  
  
Terrified.  
  
Alone.  
  
Words that occupy your every thought, every move, every moment. Waking, sleeping, dreaming, crying, hating, resenting. These words occupy all of this time, never leaving you be. They define you now. They define what your life consists of now, a constant reminder of what you weren't and what you are.  
  
Helpless. Vulnerable. Weak. Dependent.  
  
Terrified. Scared. Frightened. Afraid.  
  
Alone. Solitary. Forgotten. Abandoned.  
  
This is what you are now. Helpless. Vulnerable. Weak. Dependent. Terrified. Scared. Frightened. Afraid. Alone. Solitary. Forgotten. Abandoned.  
  
This is who you are.  
  
You, who were once unique, can now be defined by the common words. You, who were once invincible, are now defeated and broken. You, who were once loved, are alone.  
  
You, who were, are not.  
  
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Thank you for reading. I hope you liked it. 


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